七律 公慈事业绽奇葩-----致志愿者

qq56608100

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<i class="pstatus"> 本帖最后由 都市外乡人 于 2012-2-10 20:34 编辑 </i><font class="jammer">3 |! g/ r/ c5 O</font><br>
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<span style="display:none">. |3 @+ l+ y, o0 D6 u</span><font size="6">橘红马褂遍中华<br>
<span style="display:none">1 n1 k- g* L. X&amp; A; ]</span>危难之时总见她<br>
<span style="display:none">. Q6 Q; w3 E0 h( F% u5 C</span>奥运村中呈异采<font class="jammer">0 z" _9 I4 A# v3 V&nbsp;&nbsp;J7 {* W) S</font><br>
世博园内显风华<font class="jammer">5 L3 \/ o8 {4 W&amp; W. C5 ~</font><br>
灾区送暖传佳话<br>
<span style="display:none">( w! G+ L&nbsp;&nbsp;S- C" M% ?/ _/ P. }( K</span>西部支学育幼芽<br>
<span style="display:none">2 B" V2 c&nbsp;&nbsp;R7 x</span>春运无私作奉献<font class="jammer">' O/ R( J+ M&amp; E</font><br>
公慈事业绽奇葩</font></td></tr></tbody></table>


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该赞</td></tr></tbody></table>


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看来过年的肉和糍粑都没敢吃多，不然胀蒙了是写不出好诗来的</td></tr></tbody></table>


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总体不错,新韵好律.写出志愿者无私奉献的品格.<font class="jammer">" Y# \&amp; Y3 C( p7 i5 X</font><br>
在七律格律上,有三个字,须再酌一下:<font class="jammer">' I5 \5 W3 ?/ o</font><br>
"放"字应平."放异采"三字是仄仄仄,成了三仄尾,应避免.<font class="jammer">- C8 c. b' \3 H4 \* r% z! N+ ?</font><br>
"建"、“伟”二字应平。“送暖建伟业”五字是仄仄仄仄仄，五连仄了，应改一下。</td></tr></tbody></table>


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<div class="quote"><blockquote><font size="2"><font color="#999999">潜龙 发表于 2012-2-10 16:39</font> <img id="aimg_icD61" onclick="zoom(this, this.src, 0, 0, 0)" class="zoom" file="static/image/common/back.gif" onmouseover="img_onmouseoverfunc(this)" lazyloadthumb="1" border="0" alt=""></font><font class="jammer">9 I' F% ^5 k" H5 A2 J</font><br>
总体不错,新韵好律.写出志愿者无私奉献的品格.<font class="jammer"># t5 l+ q' F8 G% b</font><br>
在七律格律上,有三个字,须再酌一下:<br>
<span style="display:none">6 H' E6 U. ?5 j' Z</span>"放"字应平."放异采"三 ...</blockquote></div><font class="jammer">8 Q. |1 C( }$ `7 t8 B, ]2 a</font><br>
不客气。<font class="jammer">&amp; l1 L1 Z4 f9 q&amp; U/ M</font><br>
修改后的七律平仄韵律已趋完美，赞一个。问好！</td></tr></tbody></table>


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